Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

The two types of wives

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?