Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

As a doctor, I can confirm

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.