Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

i think we should see other cousins

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

God tier horse name today on the sims

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.