Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.