Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

just having fun

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”