Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

Hero horse inspires millions

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.