Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

realest tweet ever.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Camel dough

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.