Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Breaking news:

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB