Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Oh we’ve met.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak