Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

bout dat hot dog summer

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please