Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.