Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.


Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different


launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076


Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.


‘What other miracles can you do?’

Jesus: I can varnish

‘You mean vanish?’

J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite


[Interrogation room]
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
*hears music*
*runs outside*


RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you


7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.