*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
‘What other miracles can you do?’
Jesus: I can varnish
‘You mean vanish?’
J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.