@SvnSxty

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

You Might Also Like

@DestineyLynn

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

@LibyaLiberty

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

@Pierre__4

The only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnnANDnnWhen a women asks if you notice anything different

@ColdPetRat

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

@Audenary

‘What other miracles can you do?’

Jesus: I can varnish

‘You mean vanish?’

J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

@stephenjmolloy

[Interrogation room]
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
*hears music*
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
*runs outside*

@Brewsker

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.