Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Tough love is true love

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.