Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Has science gone too far?

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?