me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
also my go-to takeaway order
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.