Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he’ll never suspect a thing

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.