Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I beg you to euthanise me
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.