Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I created you as mosquito food.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
The answer is funnier than the question
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️