Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

When he asks for feet pics

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

This kid is going places

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.