Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you