Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

we’re gonna need another temp

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.