me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
