Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants