Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?