Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
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My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Finally! 😈
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?