Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.