Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Every house has this drawer
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater