Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.