Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Feel. He’s so soft.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
◾️
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer