me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Cinematography is my passion
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway