me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger