Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
You Might Also Like
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Buck naked
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”