Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

I occasionally drink every single night.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth