Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Me, flirting😏

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.