Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand