Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.