Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Can’t stop laughing
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
❤️❤️❤️
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-