Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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In Russia, the cold complains about you.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out