me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point