me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
The funk soul brother
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”