me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter