me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon