Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

won’t smith

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

🤣🤣🤣

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.