Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

“TGIM!” – My liver

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

I’m sure it’s fine.

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Made something I’m not proud of

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.