Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Damn he played himself
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now