Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

😆

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Going into Monday like

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing