My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
You Might Also Like
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.