Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
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[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Dance like you’re not the father
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.