@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

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@DurtMcHurtt

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

@RocketRankoon

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

@thedad

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@roxiqt

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

@InternetHippo

Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep

@HatfieldAnne

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.