Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much