Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire