Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

The Joker was right

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories