Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

He instantly became one of the bros

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

Selfie

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer