ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*


I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.


*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily


ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire


I walk into the main office of a new school:

Secretary: You a sub?

*cheeks blush*

Me: Who have you been talking to?


Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.


My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers


Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.


dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor