[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
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I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.
*buys my kids a PlayStation 4
*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games
*starts drinking heavily
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I walk into the main office of a new school:
Secretary: You a sub?
Me: Who have you been talking to?
Me: Dave got arrested for forgery
Her: For real?
Me: No for fake
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor