@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

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@midnightwhale

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

@cigarin

I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

@drinksmcgee

*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily

@GrantTanaka

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

@pinupteacher

I walk into the main office of a new school:

Secretary: You a sub?

*cheeks blush*

Me: Who have you been talking to?

@slimmy_shady

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

@LlamaInaTux

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

@Matt_the_1st

Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.

@TweetPotato314

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor