Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Someone just threatened to call me later

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.