Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

damn he’s good

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.