Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

wtf management?!

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come