Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am