Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.