Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

airing out the snack pack

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.