Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.