Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.