Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
for all #parents out there
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.