Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

“I’m helping” 😅

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?