Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?