Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
You Might Also Like
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.