Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.