me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.