me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.