Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.