me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2