me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
You Might Also Like
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.