Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

You might just have to resign…

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?