Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.