Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes