Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

I’d hang this in my house.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.