Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.