Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY