Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶