Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
![]()
You Might Also Like
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
![]()
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
![]()
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
![]()
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”